Fugliness Included

There’s that fear that the other person will either find out something about you that they won’t be able to take or you’ll find out something about them that you won’t be able to take. I think it has to do with the fear we have that no one can love us fully and truly if they knew all of us—the good, the bad, and the fugly.

As each passing moment is passed, a shell of who we really are begs to be hatched. We yearn to break free from these shells that daily grow harder. I am but another shell of who I once was before this one. I am but a babe beneath these shells. Beholding beauty, waiting to be seen for the first time. Unfortunately, we don’t believe our beauty is fit to be held. “Oh no, I can’t let them know about that! That’s just not a very ‘flattering’ aspect of who I really am.”

We keep our growing feelings for someone hidden for a while and wait to see if they are true or not. If and when we come to a point where we feel we cannot deny that our feelings are lasting, we usually still hold them in before we come out with it for fear the other person doesn’t feel the same way. We try to gauge what the other person is thinking and feeling. Even when they give off the impression that they are feeling the same way, there’s always that chance you can let your feelings explicitly be known and then doubt suddenly comes rushing in to their heads. One of the hardest things to deal with is when you think your timing is good and the other person responds positively to it and says they feel the same way only to later find out that everything has now changed. It’s these experiences that can cripple us the most. If we henceforth shut down and refuse to ever put ourselves out there again, then we will never be able to allow ourselves to experience the moment we have been longing for when we will find that person who will lastingly love us just as much as we love them and not worry anymore about scaring them off or making them feel “pressured.”

We fail to be loved truly, never realizing we are made truly by/from/in Love. We are never able to be fully loved when we refuse to believe we can be and are loved in full, while we are yet still sinners. We have never been graced with this Presence of Being before. My desire is to let the All in All in all of me. All of these tall walls I’ve caused to be built around my heart—guarding it from hurt, disappointment, and chance—must come crumbling down to the ground like the Tower of Babel.

May it be as He has willed…

We're All Searching

We’re all searching. We’re all searching for someone. Someone who will have a never-ending love for us. Yes, for those of us who believe we are loved and counted as beautiful and important by our Heavenly Father, we do “know” that we can always trust in that fact. But, that doesn’t change the fact that we still want something “more,” something tangible. We question whether or not we are lovable and look for the answer in others. We are constantly looking for that one person to share everything with and to know us as who we truly are—all messed up and everything—and still love us (and even more so because we are).

Through past heartaches we have learned not to pile on the reality of who we truly are all at one time because no one could take that! We all hold in a bunch of “stuff” about our own selves from one another when we first meet them for fear they can’t—or won’t—be able to take the messed-upedness. We’ve learned how to do this throughout our experiences thus far. We must keep cushioning so it won’t hurt so badly if we fall. We’ve learned the phrase, “More is better,” and we begin to amass the pillows of fears, jealousies, regrets, and doubts around us like a child building a fort around his or herself:

“They won’t be able to see me in here…” he says slyly as his grin and suspicious eyes scan back and forth, back and forth.

We have learned the cost of letting down our guards, being vulnerable to others, and trusting them when they say they want to hear all about our deepest hurts and insufficiencies and promise to take extra special care with them and not let it scare them off. Sometimes, the casualty of letting down your guard is taking a big hit to it.

Regrets. Do we have any if a relationship doesn’t pan out (or looks like it won’t)? Well, I don’t think we regret the times we had with the other person, but we also hate the writhing pain felt when our hearts are broken. We half-heartedly wish we never would’ve let go of ourselves in the first place if we knew it would end up like this, but we also aren’t sorry for sharing a part of ourselves with someone else because the feeling and the moment was good at the time. So, in short, we don’t but we do. Do we not?

Ah, the thoughts of the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! If there seems to be an end to a relationship, we often times feel robbed…but it was a good robbing. We begin healing and trying not to form too big of a callous from this one and maybe even hope that the robber might come back to not only give back the piece from before, but tell you that they want to trade you theirs for yours. You don’t want to put too much stock in the latter but you also try not to burn bridges that are only being broken down to build a stronger bridge in the possible near future.

It sucks though, doesn’t it?! For a good while you can’t listen to certain music, you can’t eat at certain restaurants, you can’t smell certain smells, and you can’t stand to see the things you have been surrounding yourself with that remind you of the other person. And so we want to take all of those things and burn them. Just throw them away and let them be out of sight, out of mind! The problem to that: they might be out of sight and out of mind, but they are far from being out of heart.

(To be continued…)

Sadness...

Yeah, so I just found out some pretty bad news this past week!

When I asked my manager last week about time off during Christmas--which I thought we were going to have about a week off after working it out between ourselves--she told me, "Oh, well, since you're the first one to ask me, I think I can give you the day before and the day after Christmas off......since you live far away and everything..." Well, this is the point where I had to fight off the frustrated laughter/sadness (see title of blog entry) and I thought about how this is going to be the first Christmas I will be spending away from home and family.

Even though I had told my parents if something like this happened that making money (right now) is more important than coming home, I can honestly say that I didn't really think it would happen. So, for everyone back home reading this, I am really sorry I won't be able to see anyone during my would-be break, but know that I'll definitely be thinking about all of you and I wish I could be there w/ you, but such is life as I know it right now.

Peace,
G$

"Ain't nothin' goin' on but the rent!"

Part 2: Facing the Hard Stuff

Derek Webb's Mockingbird cd came out in 2005 and has caused a lot of tension by many people w/in and w/out the church. While touring, he has had people walk out in the middle of the concert due to the very confrontational words from the album. (Check out this little article from Relevant Magazine that talks about the album) As I sat in the auditorium of the George Bush library at Texas A&M a couple of days ago, he told us that after we yelled out some requests and he wrote some down on his notepad to play that Sandra McCracken (his wife) and the bass player (sorry, forgot his name) would come back out and they'd play the Mockingbird album the whole way through. He took some time to talk about how strongly he felt about some things that the church has been inconsistent--to put it in my own words--in dealing w/ some issues and neglecting others. He feels that dialogue about these issues and what we must do about them must begin now, if not continue. He feels so strongly about them that he has created a website where he encourages anyone and everyone to go to and download and listen to the Mockingbird cd. He said, "I don't care what you do afterwards; throw it away, pass it on, burn it for others, but let's please confront these issues!" He made sure we knew he was extremely pro-piracy on this and to burn thousands of copies if we so desired.

As I sat there and listened to the words of his songs I felt he had finally written down all of my thoughts and feelings for the past couple of years! I also sat there and watched as some people grew a little antsy and decided they couldn't take it anymore and left. But, as I watched this happen I began to think about how much the Bible makes me want to do the same. If we read the words of Christ and truly try to live them out in this world, we soon realize how difficult it really is! If you really do think and feel like being a follower of Christ is easy then, as Derek Webb so poignantly put it, you might want to step back and ask if it really is Jesus you're following! So, here are a few of my "rants"--for lack of better words--about a few things that have been on my mind and heart for a good long while and more thoughts about specifics will come soon enough.

The thing that has been the most perplexing to me over the past few years is how many times I've been asked quite brashly if I'm a liberal or a democrat bc of how I feel about certain issues. If by being pro-nonviolence, pro-dignity of human life, pro-life throughout a whole person's life, pro-wrestling w/ what it looks like to live out the two greatest commandments of 1) loving God w/ all my heart, mind, soul, body, and strength and 2) loving my neighbor as myself; if by trying to be all of these things is liberal or democratic, then I will proudly wear that label!

However, that's the problem that has been becoming more and more of one among Christians today. When did God ever become a republican or a democrat?! When did revenge ever become justified by God? Where do you get your proof text for that? Am I saying that I have all of these figured out and believe that there should never be any accountability for other's wrong-doings to others? Absolutely not!! What I am doing is recognizing that this is something that is not black and white and seeking and praying desperately that we will all come into dialogue about these things in a mature fashion instead of quickly and constantly name calling or labeling others, especially Christians! Another very powerful song of Derek Webb's on the cd Mockingbird is called "Love Is Not Against The Law." What a great statement in itself!

There are so many other issues that need to be addressed and I have issues w/, but I really am having trouble right now being able to concentrate on just a few of them. There are so many inconsistencies that are being accepted by so many Christians in America today and I actually find it almost funny--if it weren't so sad and ironic--how the people and pastors preaching so vehemently about the problems w/ "American Christianity" are actually the ones who have subscribed to it most! Today's "American Christianity" is one that has all of this fundamentalist, political agenda attached to it that continues to mix church w/ state--all the while complaining about how state has mixed w/ church--by pledging allegiance first and foremost to a flag and then maybe to Jesus (if not preceded by a few choice issues that serve as a default to fall back on if faced w/ an issue they'd rather play "if I don't acknowledge it, it's not there").

I'd love to hear other's comments and questions to me about these things and welcome both pro and con! If I'm confronted w/ a single issue I probably can better address it and feel like this dialogue is so important to have w/ people on all sides, especially we Christians.

I know this is a departure from a lot of my normal writing entries, but I decided to venture out and confront something that has been and is the topic of so many discussions these days, especially w/in the church that is always trying to figure out what the heck Jesus would do! I now welcome any and all questions and/or comments. As a great bumper sticker I saw on a car the other day said, "God bless the whole world!...No Exceptions!!"

Part 1: Facing the Hard Stuff

"My first allegiance is not to a flag, a country, or a man. My first allegiance is not to democracy or blood. It's to a King & a kingdom." As these words rang through the sound system in the George Bush library at Texas A&M on Friday night, I turned to my friend and roommate Toph and said, "I think I like this song."

In no way was this a political statement: for me and I'm pretty positive from the man who wrote and sang the words in front of me. If you're not familiar w/ the song or the songwriter, Derek Webb, I would highly recommend you go to his website and check him out. To be honest, he and I don't always match up theologically since he'd be categorized as a pretty staunch (if that word isn't taken too strongly) Calvinist, but here's the thing: this man is a strong Christian and has some powerful words and biblical truths that we all must face. Just bc he and I probably don't agree theologically w/ some things doesn't mean that he is more or less of a Christian than I. We are both pilgrims on this road of life seeking to be followers of Jesus and his example and commands written in the Bible--IN THEIR ENTIRETY--being led by the Spirit.

I'm going to include the words to the song "A King & A Kingdom" off his Mockingbird album and hope you read them. I'm not always good at reading the words to songs that people post on their blogs, but I'm hoping you will do so and marinate on the words and ask how they may apply to you and your heartset. For aesthetic and ADD people's sake I'll be making this entry as 2 parts. You can read the words and then after some reflection read Part 2 that will be posted soon.

A King & A Kingdom

(vs. 1)
who's your brother, who's your sister
you just walked passed him
i think you missed her
as we're all migrating to the place where our father lives
'cause we married in to a family of immigrants

(chorus)
my first allegiance is not to a flag, a country, or a man
my first allegiance is not to democracy or blood
it's to a king & a kingdom

(vs. 2)
there are two great lies that i’ve heard:
“the day you eat of the fruit of that tree, you will not surely die”
and that Jesus Christ was a white, middle-class republican
and if you wanna be saved you have to learn to be like Him

(chorus)

(bridge)
but nothing unifies like a common enemy
and we’ve got one, sure as hell
but he may be living in your house
he may be raising up your kids
he may be sleeping with your wife
oh no, he may not look like you think

Again, we have a lot to learn from babies!

I was going to write something tomorrow--and I still probably will--but as I was looking at a newly acquired picture of my niece Evie and my new niece as of September 7th, Mary Fran, I thought about something my sister was telling me about Evie and Mary Fran and figured I'd share some further convictions about how we have so much to learn from babies (as I've written about before--see entry titled, "Innocent Wonder").

Well, Evie doesn't like to hear Mary Fran cry and when she does, Evie goes over and gives her a kiss, which usually, according to my sister, calms Mary Fran down. Wow! What a beautiful picture of simply being there for people when they're not feeling well! No words. No "solutions" offered to try to "fix" the situation. A simple kiss. A simple "hey, I'm here for you. I'm right here." Here's the picture:

It's so revealing to me that we have lost it. We have lost the wisdom of a little child and what it means to truly be there for those who are upset, hurt, lonely. When did we ever get the idea that we had to give others answers or solutions to how they could better their situation? Sure, that may come later, but what happens to our innate senses I keep seeing in little children that we apparently lose as years go by? It's the sense to give a hug or kiss to someone you see in desperate need of one, which, if we're all honest, is every single one of us.

I say all of these things w/ every single bit of masculinity in tact and as unashamedly as ever. I also say these things w/ every bit of guilt there is as I reveal my own shortcomings in not doing these things. There have been times, even lately, that I have been talking w/ someone who was struggling w/ something or expressing a hurtful situation or whatever to me and there was this feeling in me that absolutely felt like going over to them and embracing them w/out saying a word. Yet, for some reason I have yet to put a finger on but have my many suspicions about, something holds me back from doing so. It's a powerful force that I can feel battling inside my heart and mind and I am ashamed to admit that I allow the fears of being vulnerable, expressing too much sympathy, not being "manly"--whatever the crap that means!--and a whole host of other fears to prohibit me from acting on my first instinct. I reason it out and try to come up w/ the best construction of words I can give this person, which I somehow got the impression they wanted me to offer.

There's so much I could say about where I believe these reservations to be vulnerable and sympathetic to others--especially from a male's perspective--but I simply don't have the time right now and will continue to dwell on it as I also try to be more vulnerable and sympathetic to others in need. I have a long way to go but here goes nothing.

I'd love to hear what you think about this and any thoughts about why this seems to be true? It's by voicing these things, confronting them, and being open to our shortcomings that we can begin to hold one another accountable and become more like the beloved children of God we were first created to be--at least in this aspect...

Lord, have mercy on me for holding back love from those who so desperately deserve it, which is everyone I come in contact w/. Forgive me for not loving my enemies and for having enemies in the first place. I have no excuse bc your grace and mercy and unconditional love is continually being granted to me, the greatest sinner of them all! Yet, you keep calling me your child and loving me even more so. Thank you for your unlimited hugs and kisses you give me everyday and my aim is to pass those on to others I come in contact w/. By your grace this is possible and by grace I pray these things, Amen.

On Giving and Receiving

I keep finding it quite amazing how I write about something or journal about something and then in the next few days, months, or whatever, situations keep coming up or topics keep being discussed in my presence about the same issue I have been thinking about and usually analyzing. Yesterday’s sermon from Pastor Julie was largely alluding to what I’ve been marinating on lately. Then, as we listened to chapter 26 of “The Screwtape Letters” by C.S. Lewis at Life Group tonight, which was mainly about Unselfishness and the disillusion we humans often get of it and things of that nature, I realized how much it had to do w/ the same thing I’ve been mulling over. A while back I was journaling about the phrase, “It’s better to give than receive,” and tonight just furthered and deepened my analysis and convictions about the complexity of this phrase and everything that goes into it.

“To know as we are known.” When/If we come to know (or understand, comprehend, begin to see) ourselves as we are known by our Heavenly Father, we would realize how beloved we are and see how beloved others are as well. We would realize how much love there is to give and receive, receive and give—though we say it’s far better to give than receive. Or, do we really mean to imply that it’s far easier to give than receive? Isn’t that true? Especially pertaining to our relationship w/ God in most respects, though I will clarify what my good friend Tiffany brought up in Life Group that it doesn’t really apply well being far better to give God the things which we hold so tightly onto, but more to those things which we feel we are willing to loosen our grips from. I definitely want to acknowledge that fact, but you will see that I am mainly speaking about our underlying intentions of giving to others, which was beautifully illustrated in half of a sentence by Lewis—or rather Screwtape—in the reading tonight: “…teach a man to surrender benefits not that others may be happy in having them but that he may be unselfish in forgoing them.” Basically, our supposed unselfishness in “giving into others wishes”—thereby seeming unselfish—is actually very selfish at heart bc the intentions in our action of “being unselfish” was so that we might gain praise or admiration from others for being so unselfish, which is in and of itself selfish.

Now that I’ve stated that little tidbit I will begin to share what I wrote down a couple of weeks ago while journaling about this topic.

It’s so much easier to “give back” to God by doing mission projects, “giving Him praise and thanks,” tithing (“giving back a portion of what has been received”)—though this is also very debatable as to the easiness of doing so, but all these are empty! They are all empty bc of the last parenthetical quotation. How can we “give back what has been received” when we haven’t ever experienced the Grace that is continually being given freely? When we realize that we cannot begin to “give back” an iota of what has been given, only then will we be able to receive—truly receive—what is always being given. This enables us to give up the illusion that we can come even fairly far away from “paying Him back.”

Even further, how will we know what to give others when we’ve never received anything of worth to be given? We continue on and give a whole lot of nothing, expecting to receive something in return. Yet, all that is given is also nothing since something was expected. When we give in order to receive, there is an emptiness that is left that we claim is our right to be filled back up from the one we gave to. In other words, we give so that we have something over the other person and can claim he or she is indebted to you. We all walk around empty from giving so much. We walk around empty bc we have refused to receive from the Giver of All Things. When we learn to truly receive, we can only then be able to truly give. Therefore, should the saying go, “We must truly receive from Him, in order that we may be able to truly give to them?” (I know that’s an extremely cheesy way of putting it since I went w/ the rhyming way of saying it, but sometimes it works better for memory purposes. Nevertheless, an apology for cheesiness is in order and I give it to you.) The emptiness that would be there and claimed as a debt to be owed by another is continually being filled back up by the One who has, is, and forever will be filling up what is lacking—the Fulfiller of All. It doesn’t have to be filled up by someone bc it already has been by the One.

Giving w/out expecting to receive anything in return is what Love is. That’s who Love is. Love—the True Love—has no strings attached and gives freely, continually. To know Love is to know how to truly give. To “give ourselves to God” really means to fully receive what is being given. We are given a glimpse of who we are when we receive from He whom we are from and who gave, gives, and promises to forever give us life in its fullest!

So, I guess my prayer for all who read this is that you will begin to truly and fully receive the grace and mercy that is continually being given from the Giver of All Things in order that you may be able to truly and purely give to others w/out expecting anything in return since the debt has already been paid from He whom we are truly indebted to.

Putting It Into Words

Have you ever felt like you had to write something down? A feeling you’re experiencing, a sense that has just been blown wide open by some trigger, making it seem like you were (if only for a moment) one w/ the universe, or an important life lesson learned at the hand of some mad genius that let you in on some of his secret to how and why he does what he does. You must get it all down like you might forget how it feels and/or you need to remember what you’ve done to “remedy” the situation. Well, one of those situations I’ve found to be quite like chasing after the wind.

It is the attempt to capture in words the awakening of a sense by some stimulant. For example, how you feel when you are lying on a rock while the sun is gently caressing your body and the wind is kissing your face, soothing the sun’s soft rays, and the sound of the water nearby waterfalling, making music w/ the rocks and the forest. Not to mention how the water feels as your hand rests on the pillow of the stream. Do I truly think this is something that can be put into words? Can it really be bound to something as finite as words? Can it be “summed up?” I can do all I can to list the elements of it all and liken it to what I do know as best I can, but some things are so simple, yet magnificent in their natural innocence, or purity. Words just seem to almost pollute the essence of the awakened sense. I always want to try, though. Each time is something different!

That just makes me believe even more so that there is something deeper in this world, in this life. Something…Other. There’s something beyond explanation—beyond words. Something indescribable.

Sight, sound, touch, taste, smell; this is what we know. But there is something even more Indescribable and Unimaginable. Until I experience this, I am going to continue in delighting to sit back and take all of these senses and marinate in everything that is around, felt, experienced. I will continue to let the showers of grace and mercy all around me to be bathed in humble gratitude and thanksgiving.

Anyone w/ me on this one?

Peace.

Power to the Peaceful

I titled this little entry as “Power to the Peaceful” bc I was in my boy Toph’s car tonight and he had a cd that was (I believe) named as such and we were listening to the song where the singer said those words and it’s fresh on my mind and I really liked the sound of those words. (Man, that was a long, run-on sentence! I need to catch my breath…)

So, I was also thinking about how I’ve been trying to live as drama free in my life as much as possible lately and how incredibly peaceful it’s been to not take myself so seriously! It’s so freeing to be able to laugh at yourself and realize how ridiculous you are sometimes…or most of them.

It’s good not taking yourself so serious. Laugh at a great joke…heck, laugh at a horrible joke. Just don’t miss life!

Don’t ever forget to enjoy life. Enjoy other’s lives as well. Don’t get so caught up in busyness that you forget to be in tune to the wonderment of life and death, song and silence—all that is. Live every day in its fullest!

“Creation…meet, Creator.”

“What’s that? You’ve never seen anything as Beautiful as this before? Did you ever look around you?”

“Well, yes, I did, but I guess I was just looking. Now, I see!”

Celebrate life w/ each other. Why hate when you can love? Why make war when there’s peace?

There is Beauty in everything bc it was created by a beautiful God. You, and even me. Make sure you remind everyone you come into contact w/ that they are beautiful and loved. It means a lot! It’s always nice to know you’re loved and counted as special, so why not let others know that they are too? Not in order to be owed something in return. No! Let this debt go. Let it remain outstanding.

Don’t be fake. Be genuine. Be true. Be true w/ yourself and to others. Express emotions. When you hurt, cry. When you cry, cry hard. This is good.

Be full of wonder—it’s quite wonderful! Delight in the bird that sings its own love song to you. Never forget to stop and be still before a sunrise and sunset. Don’t speak, don’t think. Just be.

You will find yourself there.

There is much power to the peaceful. Amen.